


Ache

by Recourse



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Damaged Goods splitoff, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Mutual Pining, Sacrifice Chloe Ending, Sharing a Bed, Sort of anyway, Timeline Fuckery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 12:36:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: It's been three years since Chloe's death. Three years since Max started experiencing slips into other realities. Three years since Kate became the person to keep her in this one.On Max's 21st birthday, something shifts.





	Ache

**Author's Note:**

> This piece takes place in a timeline split off from [Damaged Goods.](https://archiveofourown.org/series/459889)

Kate’s staring at her.

The normal pangs of self-consciousness, of awkwardness and uncertainty, are all muted beneath the haze of the night. Kate lies on her side on Max’s bed, her gaze fixed on Max’s serene face, eyes closed and freckled cheeks flushed dark with alcohol. The empty wine bottle sits on the nightstand in the blurry periphery of Kate’s vision, frosting over the numbers displayed by Max’s alarm clock. Kate tries to focus on them instead of watching the way Max’s lips part just slightly with each breath, because they’re supposed to be watching out for midnight.

Technically, Max being drunk is illegal until then, but Kate figured she could bend the rules this one time. She was the one who went out and bought the bottle, after all. But she insisted on saving it for tonight, so they could enjoy their newfound legality together. They’d done so much together over the last three years; it only felt right.

11:59. They made it. Almost.

The dorms are so quiet that Kate feels the need to whisper, shaking Max gently by the shoulder. “Hey.”

“Mmmm,” Max murmurs.

“It’s midnight.” Kate leaves her hand on Max’s shoulder, rubbing back and forth. Her pajama top is really soft. A well-loved free shirt from orientation, three years ago. Kate’s so used to seeing Max in it by now.. “Wanna stay up any longer?”

“I’m fading, bad,” Max groans, fluttering her eyes open. So blue. Kate keeps telling her how pretty she is, that she shouldn’t be so down on herself. Max never accepts the compliment. “But if you want to…”

“We don’t have to.” Kate raises herself up with effort, looking at her laptop, across the room on her own bed, still on the pause screen for the movie they’d finished a half hour ago. They’d just laid here since, and Kate had loved every second of it, the way her body and Max’s touched each other at a thousand little points as Max slipped towards sleep. They both feel so warm under the covers, though she can feel the chill of the night air ekeing in through the cracked window. She doesn’t want to get up and turn off the light and move her laptop and get back down in her own bed. She likes it here, and her limbs are heavy.

“Mmkay.” Max gets up first, closing the laptop lid and walking over to the lightswitch. Kate breathes shallowly, body tense, not sure if Max wants her to stay or go. The combined moonlight and residuals from the streetlamps from the window outline Max in blue and grey, skinny bare legs under oversized shirt and sleep-shorts. She moves staggeringly, back towards the bed, and says nothing as she lays back down beside Kate, facing her now, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close. Kate loses her breath as Max tucks her head beneath Kate’s chin.

“Thank you,” Max whispers, lips brushing Kate’s neck and sending shivers down her spine. “It was a good birthday.”

“I hardly did anything.”

“You got me a present.”

“That I drank half of.”

“And you’re here.”

Hesitantly, Kate reaches out and puts a hand on Max’s side. “What do you mean?”

“Still here. Even though I’m crazy. I don’t know where I’d be without you.” Max rubs her face into Kate’s chest.

“You—you’ve done a lot for me, too. You’re my best friend. You always pick me up when I’m down.”

“I just make stupid jokes,” Max mutters. “You...you…”

“I know,” Kate whispers, squeezing her tight. Kate doesn’t know how to tell her that she’s not a burden, not at all. That Kate admires her so much. After everything that’s happened to her, her best friend dying before her eyes, and the episodes since where she thinks she’s somewhere else, in another world, and needs Kate to hold her hand and anchor her to this one, she’s kept going. With bumps and bruises and late night anxiety attacks that send her and Kate to the campus stores just to get her moving, she keeps going, always, and strives to be better with every step. All she can do is repeat, “I know,” and hold her.

“Thank you,” Max says again. They stay like that for a while, cuddling face to face, and Kate feels so much warmth and care for Max that she can hardly stand it. When Max eventually rolls to lay on her back again, Kate moves with her, keeping an arm around her waist, still wanting to show her somehow. She can feel the night moving in on her mind too, can hear Max’s breathing beginning to slow, and all she can do is stare at Max’s shape in the darkness, the curve of her lips.

When the thought comes, Kate’s too blurred to reject it. She leans up, and she’s never done this before, and she’s not sure she’s doing it right at all when she gently touches her lips to Max’s, her heart jolting as she tastes the dregs of the wine. Max’s eyes open wide after they pull apart, but Kate just settles into her side, and says only one thing before she forgets she’s done it entirely.

“Happy birthday.”

 

* * *

 

 

Chloe lies flat on her back in the beat-up RV bed, staring blankly into the ceiling. A winter storm rages outside, the shrill howl of the wind leaking through the faulty door seal. Chloe’s hair splays across the bed, dirty blonde with only the faintest tinges of teal remaining, unclothed save for a pair of boxers. Max stares down at her through what feels like someone else’s eyes, even though she knows it’s her same body, wracked and ravaged by years of hard living.

“Won’t you do something?” comes out of her mouth, without Max’s permission, without her will. Somewhere else, she shakes.

“Like what?” Chloe grunts.

“You always used to know how to pass the time on a rainy day.” Max sinks down beside her, and someone far away calls her name. She doesn’t respond, moving a hand to Chloe’s shoulder. Chloe jerks away, rolling on her side.

“You mean when we were kids.” Her voice is flat.

“I—”

“I’m not a fucking kid anymore, Max. I hope I’m not, anyway, given how you’ve been fucking me.”

“Chloe—”

“Why the fuck do you keep making me _do_ this?” Chloe’s voice grows sharp edges, barbs flinging right into Max. She can feel the sensation as though she’s half-asleep, the dull ache in her chest, a swell in her throat.

“Do what?”

“Pretend! Act like we’re not just fuckin’, running around the country in a shitty RV robbing people while death chases us!” Chloe shoots up, fingers locked in fists on her knees, teeth grinding. “This isn’t some, some fuckin’, happy-go-lucky girlfriends road trip! What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Chloe, I…” Max swallows, and feels the warm hands of a girl on her shoulders, another repetition of her name reaching her ears like an echo in a cave. “We can’t give in. We can’t let it win.”

“Why not?!” Chloe demands.

“Because I love you,” Max whispers. “And I’m not going to let — let whatever _that_ is take you away. You don’t deserve it.”

“Bullshit,” Chloe spits. “You don’t love me. You love some, some fucked up idea of who I am from eight years ago, some fucking childhood crush you never got over—”

“No, I love you,” Max repeats, tears springing to her eyes. “Please—”

“Shut the fuck up!” Chloe shouts, getting up off the bed. “I can’t fucking talk to you!”

Max feels hands on her back, a body pressed tight against hers, and as she reaches out with her right hand, she finds she suddenly has control, and flings her arms around that body.

“I love you,” she sobs, closing her eyes tight, the sounds of Chloe’s rage and the blizzard outside vanishing into darkness.

“It’s me, Max,” Kate says, and her voice is clear, and it’s so good to be back, back where Max _really is._

“I love you,” Max breathes, head still swimming.

“Max, I’m not who you think—”

“ _Kate,_ ” Max rasps, pulling her closer. “I love you.”

 

*

 

Kate’s heart stops, and all the world seems to slow around her. The bright morning sun shines through their dormroom window, directly onto Max’s bed where she kneels, wrapped in Max’s desperation to return to reality. Max sobs into her shoulder, and Kate wants her back, it’s been so long since she slipped like this, and all she can think of is what Max said to her, and how badly she wants her to be okay.

“I love you too,” she whispers, pulse pounding in her throat. “Please come back.”

 

*

 

Max didn’t hear that. It wasn’t real, just like these slips aren’t real.

Kate didn’t kiss her, either. It had to be a dream, the alcohol hazing over her mind and blurring the boundaries between her desires and reality. They haven’t talked about it since, right?

But hearing it, even if she didn’t hear it, calms her shakes. She leans against Kate’s body, breathing hard, trying to feel like herself again, not one of those _other_ Maxes. Kate smooths her hand up and down Max’s back.

“Are you...here?” she asks quietly. Max nods into her chest, and Kate sighs in relief. Her hand moves to stroke Max’s hair, and for a while, there’s silence in their room, Max’s heart aching for all the times that Kate’s done this for her. It’s not fair. None of it’s fair.

“Where do you go?” Kate asks, and Max freezes. She can’t tell her.

She can’t tell her that she always goes to one of two worlds, and that in each one, she’s been with women.

She can’t tell her that the first slip Kate witnessed, where she seized in Kate’s arms and threw up in her dorm, was a Halloween night in Victoria Chase’s car, left ravaged and nauseous by burning lust.

She can’t tell Kate, because then she’ll know. And if she knows, she’ll know shortly after how Max feels for her.

She lies, instead.

“My therapist says I shouldn’t talk about it,” Max murmurs. “It makes them more real, more...solid. I’d just reinforce it in my mind as a, as a narrative.”

“Oh…” Kate squeezes her. “I’m sorry. I won’t ask again.”

“Thank you,” Max breathes, wanting to stay here forever, with Kate’s understanding, with Kate’s arms around her.

“Do you need anything?” Kate asks.

“Just time.” Max takes in a deep breath. “Just...a minute.”

“Okay.” Kate’s fingers thread through her hair. “I can do that.”

 

* * *

 

Halloween in room 123 is always an endurance challenge.

This is the third year of the Spooky Vs. Spoopy Marathon and it’s the longest one yet. They started off with legitimate Spooky this year, going for _The Thing,_ and Kate’s got some new kid-friendly Halloween movies for her half of the event to match Max’s extensive classic horror collection.  

It’s near 3 A.M., and Max has to admit defeat as the credits roll on _Nightmare Before Christmas_ (which is required viewing, regardless of the other choices.)She leans back and yawns, sliding against the wall, legs dangling over the side of her bed. Kate looks over at her fondly, through half-lidded eyes.

“Spoopy wins,” she says smugly. “Two years in a row.”

“Does it really count if it puts me to sleep?” Max asks, yawning again. “Doesn’t that mean it’s not exciting enough to stay up for?”

“No.”

“Elaborate on your position. We’re having a _debate_.”

“No.” Kate gets up, sticking her tongue out at Max as she does. Max smiles back at her, warmth spreading in her chest.

Kate closes her laptop, but doesn’t move it, instead going to the lightswitch at the end of the room. Max takes in a swift, sharp breath, anxiety and hope rising in her stomach, fluttering about. It’s just like before. She quickly gets herself straightened out and under the covers, hugging the wall so Kate can have some room, if she wants it.

Max breathes cautiously, facing the wall, waiting. The bed sinks behind her, and Kate crawls under the covers with her, wrapping an arm around her waist. Max’s heart aches for her. She remembers why this started, how they figured out that Max’s slips would happen more often if she had nothing to focus on, or if her sense of time and place wandered; long study sessions, early morning and late night, both dangerous. Halloween was one of the worst slips, one of the first. Kate came up with the idea. Made it fun. She’s so good, Max can’t stand it some days.

“Happy Halloween,” Kate whispers, squeezing her close.

“Goodnight,” Max murmurs back, trying to keep her eyes closed, calm her pulse. They shouldn’t have been roommates this long. It’s starting to hurt. This can’t be what it feels like.

Kate delivers a small, soft kiss to the back of Max’s neck, and she shivers, closes her throat so she won’t make a sound. Nothing is said for the rest of the night. Kate falls asleep long before Max does.

 

*

 

Max finds the pattern.

Late nights, Kate will sleep in her bed. The more stuff that’s piled on Kate’s bed, the better Max’s chances. If they sleep in the same bed, Kate _will_ hold her, or cuddle her, or just...always be close, not that she has much choice on the tiny mattress. Kate _might_ kiss her. It’s best when they’re face-to-face. Max never moves her lips, never reciprocates. That might be the step that breaks it. That lets Kate know what’s going on, how Max’s feelings aren’t hers, sweet and innocent.

She wishes this wasn’t a part of her. She wishes she hadn’t found out that Halloween, all those years ago, in the worst way she ever could have. But most of all, she wishes that Kate will never stop.

 

* * *

 

Kate wakes up alone in their room, feeling stuffed up. She sits up in bed and tries to clear her throat, but something’s stuck there. She rubs at her neck, trying to ease the lump out of it, when Max comes in, just a towel wrapped around her, hair still wet from the shower.

“Something wrong, Kate?” she asks, blue eyes shining into Kate’s.

Kate opens her mouth to speak, but finds it full; something heavy and sweet drips from her lips, marking her white nightshirt with gold. She clamps a hand over her mouth, looking up at Max, hoping she understands that she needs help. She can feel it, now, pulsing at the top of her chest, waves of honey crawling up through her system, filling her mouth, overwhelming her senses with the taste.

Max leans down over her, brow furrowed. She puts her hands on Kate’s face, and it sets Kate’s heart racing even faster. Carefully, Max pries open her lips, honey rushing over her fingers as she does so. Kate closes her eyes and lets Max’s fingers explore her mouth, though each movement seems to send another glob of liquid up her throat, and she feels so exposed and vulnerable as Max tries to figure out the problem she can’t name.

Finally, Max reaches in further, down her throat, and her fingers grasp something solid. Kate chokes on her arm, body seizing, and Max pulls out rapidly, holding in her hand a small chunk of beehive, workers lazily crawling around on the outside of it as it weeps gold. Kate falls forward with blessed relief, resting her head on Max’s body. Max’s arms hold her, and she feels safe.

 

*

 

She blinks awake in the darkness of their room. Her stomach stings, and she takes a deep breath, just to see if she can. Her heart pounds, and she feels sweat beading on her body. She slowly rises up, putting a hand to her forehead, eyes darting across the room to Max’s sleeping form. She swallows spit, mind reeling, hating the spike in her pulse that comes with each glance. She rises and slips out of their room, heading down the hall to the handicapped bathroom, bracing her back against the door.

She stares down at her toes, trying to breathe. Why did it feel...like _that?_ She’s dreamed about Max before, of course. With such a presence in her life, it’d be odd if she didn’t. But this felt different. In a _wrong_ way. Like what she was feeling in that dream was something she tried to avoid feeling, ever, with or for anyone.

She feels dirty. Her body had... _responded._ She whispers to herself, “What the _fuck,”_ hugging her own body and closing her eyes. She doesn’t want this. Since Max had blurted out that she loved her, she’d grown to like the word, accept it. A pure, innocent love between them, that’s what Kate wants, an idea she had treasured. This doesn’t feel like that. It feels more like when she’d returned to the dorm early, and Max had thrown her covers over herself, face beet-red, and Kate had gotten just the slightest glimpse of her bare legs.

It’s just a dream. She repeats that to herself. Dreams don’t make sense. They don’t mean anything.

She splashes water on her face, shakes her head vigorously. She returns to their room and slips under her covers, wanting to change but not wanting to make enough noise to wake up Max. She curls up and faces the wall.

In the morning, she’ll forget. And things will be back to how they were.

 

* * *

 

It’s been a few months, now. Max thinks maybe it was just a little phase for Kate, maybe it’s not the way she wants to express her affection anymore. They’ve slept in separate beds, even when it was so late it felt impossible for Max to move. Max has stayed in this world, this timeline, and it’s been like it was before her birthday.

She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss it. Didn’t want it back. But she can’t be the one to push things, can she? She can’t be the one initiating this. She wants it too much. Maybe Kate felt that, and backed off because of it. Otherwise it’s back to how it was before, though; no distance between them, no real boundaries. Just things Kate doesn’t do anymore.

Max tries to calm herself, tries to forget all about it. She manages, mostly, until the second morning of spring break.

 

*

 

She wakes to sunlight filtering through a green tent above her, the scent of pine in the air. She knows already that she’s in the other one, the Victoria timeline; perhaps it’s time she stopped thinking of it that way, as the girl herself hasn’t appeared in these slips in years. But it’s not an RV, and Max’s body, while a bit strained and tired, doesn’t have the permanent exhaustion she remembers from Chloe’s Max.

The morning is calm and silent, no rush of cars to be heard. She must be well outside city limits. Where, she can’t be sure. It’s been a while since she was here. She wonders how this Max is doing. Things always seem sort of rough for her, even if it’s not the nightmare that Chloe’s Max faces.

The sound of footsteps on dirt stirs Max to move, and as she turns towards the tent door, it unzips from the other side. Max worries, for a moment, but her body doesn’t tense, like she’s expecting a visitor, or welcoming one. A girl with long brown hair appears in the gap, smiling down at Max.

“Scooch over, it’s super cold out here,” she says, kicking her shoes off one at a time and tiptoeing into the tent. Her legs are bare under a t-shirt and pajama shorts, unshaven. Max spies an intricate tattoo weaving down one arm. “Spring break my ass.”

Max laughs softly, moving over to let her have some space on the sleeping pad.  Max wonders who she is.

“I thought you’d run off into the woods to become a wild-woman,” Max says, reaching over and laying a hand on her shoulder. Max’s heart — her _real_ heart — starts pounding, even as the one in this body stays at a steady tempo. Could this be…?

“You wouldn’t last a day,” the girl replies with a laugh.

“What does that matter?”

“If I’m gonna go wild-woman I’m not leaving you behind! Damn, Max. It’s like you don’t know what a friend’s for.”

“A friend, huh?” Max asks. Now both her hearts are pumping. Max is sort of proud of her alternate self.

The girl blushes. “Max…”

“You can’t tell me you planned this entire ‘just us’ camping trip without thinking about it,” Max teases, and _damn, girl, get it,_ Max thinks. She finds herself smiling, in both bodies. It’s rare she gets to slip into a nice moment, because she can tell this is going to work. The girl — whoever she is — is biting her lip, eyes wide.

“I mean…” she says. “I didn’t know if…”

“Ellie.” Max raises her arm into the air, jiggling it so her bi pride bracelet (man, she _is_ doing well) rattles on her wrist. “I really try to signal. I do my best.”

“But I didn’t know if that meant _me,_ ” Ellie clarifies. “You’re not just...teasing me right now, right?”

In response, Max pulls in closer and kisses her.

When Max’s eyes open again, they’re staring into her bedroom ceiling, and her cheeks are wet.

She lies there, aching, until her mother calls her for breakfast.

 

* * *

 

Kate stands at the altar, organ music blaring in her ears. The priest looks concerned, looking between her and Max, both of them standing with wide empty spaces beside them.

“I knew they’d ditch us,” Max sighs. “You can’t trust men for anything.”

The priest looks offended, and clears his throat. “Ladies, we can’t be sure—”

“They’re gone,” Max interrupts. “No one’s an hour late to their own wedding.”

Kate licks her lips. “But everyone’s here,” she says, looking behind her. “And we can’t get this refunded…”

“Hey, you know what’d really make them mad?” Max says, turning to Kate with a smirk.

“What?”

“Let’s marry each other.”

Kate’s cheeks flare. “Okay,” she says, automatically, like it’s obvious.

“Do you have vows prepared?” the priest asks.

“We’ve said them before.” Max takes Kate’s hands. “We’ve made our promises.”

“Then do you, Max Caulfield, take Kate Marsh to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?”

“I do.”

“And do you, Kate Marsh—”

“Yes,” Kate breathes, squeezing Max’s hands.

“You may kiss.”

Max leans towards Kate, Kate’s heart starts to beat out of her chest, she closes her eyes—

And opens them in the dark of her bedroom. Her head spikes with annoyance first, as though she’s been robbed; her head catches up to her a second later and she freezes up, clenching her fists at her sides under the covers. She shouldn’t still want her dream to come back. To finish what she was doing. She avoided the temptation for months, but of course the _dreams_ hadn’t stopped. She’s starting to get really, really annoyed at her unconscious mind, lately.

She turns over on her side, nerves electrified in her stomach. It’s been the same for a while — she has a dream where she’s spitting up honey, or dealing with blood pouring from her nose, or where she can’t seem to breathe, and Max can always help. It’s backwards, she thinks, totally backwards, _she’s_ been Max’s rock, that’s what Max always says.

But it helped. To be two freaks instead of one in those awful months in Blackwell. And there’s the other thing, where Kate _knows_ what this is, what she’s been deliberately ignoring ever since that one drunk, stupid, impulsive kiss.

It’s that she likes kissing Max, and sometimes she wishes she’d kiss her back. It’s that she loves Max, and that that word means something, more than what she’s willing to acknowledge. It’s that she’s afraid she won’t be able to keep up the facade at some point, and it’ll ruin everything.

She touches two fingers to her lips, biting down on her nails. She’s been away from her family home, away from her mother and her old church, for long enough to know that she doesn’t believe what she used to. But it’s still there, burrowed deep within her, the _fear_ she’s known from childhood, from when she first asked if a girl could marry another girl and was firmly and decisively rebuffed.

She doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night.

She wishes Max would call.

 

* * *

 

The first night after they return to school, neither of them seem to want to sleep. They aren’t even doing anything _together,_ just fiddling around on their computers as time marches slowly towards midnight. Max keeps sneaking glances over at her, thinking of that other Max, and how she just went for what she wanted so boldly. How had she come so far in only a few years, while Max has only been barely keeping up?

Maybe the persistent slipping into other timelines doesn’t help, but still, she can’t help but feel inadequate. At least she’s not Chloe’s Max, she supposes.

 _Kate_ kissed _you, for God’s sake_ , she scolds herself as she looks at Kate again, watching her aimlessly doodle in her sketchbook. Kate looks cute in that short off-white nightgown. Max grinds her teeth and tries to focus on...whatever dumb article she was reading.

This is stupid.

Just as she turns to speak to Kate, about _anything_ , Kate does the same. They both start to talk, pause, and Kate giggles before saying, “You first.”  
“No, I totally forgot what I was gonna say,” Max says. “Go ahead.”

“Oh, um...I was just wondering if you had any slips at home.” Kate swallows. “I know if I’m not with you it can get bad…”

“Just one,” Max answers, honestly. “And it wasn’t bad. It was sort of nice, actually.”

“How could it be nice?’ Kate asks. Max’s chest tightens at the thought of explaining exactly what she saw.

“It’s...well, when I slip, it’s sort of like going into some other version of myself. Where things...happened differently,” Max tries to explain. She’s tried to keep the truth from Kate for a while — and she’s kept the truth from everyone that she thinks this has to be real in _some_ way. “That day she was having a nice morning.”

“But you’re always so…” Kate bites her lip. “When you go into one, you always seem so scared. And sometimes…”

“I feel what she feels. My body responds to...to things she experiences,” Max says quickly.

“Oh,” Kate says softly, and Max hopes she’s not connecting the dots. She’s never told her this much before. That first bad slip, in Kate’s room, had been mortifying once she realized that Kate had seen her react to Victoria’s touch from another world. Max’s face starts to heat up.

“I’m sorry, this has to sound crazy,” Max says, looking away. “I don’t know. It is crazy.”

“I know you don’t want it,” Kate says, standing up and starting to approach her. “You can’t control it. I can tell how much you fight.”

“I just wish it wasn’t such a burden on you,” Max mumbles. “That first break…” She doesn’t need to say more than that. Both of them remember Thanksgiving in 2013, where she’d spent almost her entire break _somewhere else,_ confined to a mental hospital and only able to say Kate’s name when she felt herself emerging from the chaos. Only after her parents had contacted Kate, and she had managed to drive all the way out to see her, did Max break back through.

It never got that bad again. But that was because, in some way, Max always had Kate with her. It feels so unfair, to restrict her like that.

“I’m glad I can help, even if I don’t really know how.” Kate puts a hand on her shoulder. Max tries not to react too much.

“I t-think you help by...keeping me in the moment,” Max says. “When I’m with you, even if we’re not doing anything, I feel like I’m real. Like I’m here, wherever that is. And when you touch me, it brings me out faster.” _Why don’t you blurt out ‘I love you’ again, idiot,_ Max thinks, wanting to slap herself. She’s babbling. She’s giving away secrets that have been tucked away for years. What’s wrong with her?

Kate’s still looking at her, she has to say _something._ “I don’t need you all the time anymore, though. And I can usually deal with them better.”

“I know, you never called me over break. I guess I just...got restless.” Kate shifts awkwardly, looking over Max’s shoulder at the laptop time display. “We should really go to bed.”

“Yeah, probably.” Max breathes out as Kate goes for the lightswitch. She shuts her laptop and crawls into bed, watching Kate. Kate comes back over to her bed, hands wringing, until she lays one on Max’s shoulder again.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” she whispers. “Just in case?”

Max’s heart jumps. They’ve never talked about it before. There was never asking. It makes it feel too real.

But she won’t lie.

“Yeah.”

Kate smiles in the darkness and tells her to move over, so she does. Max lies on her back, giving Kate room to sling an arm around her waist, tucking her head into Max’s shoulder. She makes a soft, happy sound that sets a pain in Max.

“I missed you,” Kate admits. “You could’ve called. I would’ve been okay with it.”

“I just don’t want to smother you.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“I worry about everything,” Max sighs. “I mean...what are we gonna do after school?”

“We talked about that,” Kate says with a smile, poking Max’s stomach.

“When we were drunk!”

“It counts!” Kate insists. “We move out to our own tiny house in the country, and the only house rule is no men allowed.” She snuggles closer to Max. “I want to stay with you.”

God, does she even know what she’s saying?

“All right,” Max says with a forced chuckle, nervously bringing an arm around Kate’s shoulders. “You win. Crazy old cat ladies.”

“Mmm-hmm.” Kate sighs. “Bunny ladies.”

“I can work with that.”

They fall silent, hearts beating in sync. Kate’s lips brush Max’s neck. She can smell Kate’s shampoo. Kate slowly glides her hand across Max’s stomach, stroking back and forth. She’s tingling. Her mind just repeats, _Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me._

Kate shifts, rising above her. Kate’s knee slots between Max’s as she leans in.

Max let her kiss her the other times. Didn’t want to make it weird. But when their lips meet this time, she doesn’t stop herself. Parting her lips, tasting Kate’s, the warmth of her mouth, it’s all new, and wonderful, and addictive as sugar.

Kate pulls back, but Max’s arms circle her instinctually, resting on the small of her back. They lock eyes in the darkness, breath heavy in the night air.

“Kate,” Max breathes, heat burning inside of her. Kate can’t seem to respond, until Max pulls her, just slightly, pressing on her back, and then she falls on Max like she’s been waiting to do it her whole life. Her arms tangle around Max’s shoulders, their lips meeting again, and Max has to remember how to breathe.

Kate takes charge, grounding herself on top of Max’s thigh, pulling Max up off her back and into a sitting position. Her hands wander down Max’s body, grabbing her backside and making her gasp.

Their kisses deepen, Max swiping her tongue across Kate’s lower lip and getting a little _mm_ in response, Kate’s teeth scraping Max’s flesh. Kate’s grip on her is strong, and she’s pulling them even tighter together, and Max feels heat building between her legs, where Kate’s thigh just grazes her.

Kate pushes her back down, hands going to Max’s ribs, and Max’s mind has gone from repeating _kiss me_ to blaring _touch me._ Kate pulls back again, though, their faces still so close. Kate’s eyes are blown wide, her chest heaving as she pants.

“ _Kate,”_ Max groans, trying to gently pull her in again, but Kate chokes on something and squirms out of her grip, rolling off the bed and stumbling to the door.

“Kate?” Max asks, heart still thumping in her ear as Kate pulls down on the handle. “Wait!” she calls, but the door slams shut behind Kate as she bolts, and Max is alone.

 

* * *

 

Kate slams her back into the door of the handicapped bathroom, hands covering her mouth. Her pulse pounds in her throat, breath sharp in her lungs, vision blurred and body vibrating with what she’d just done.

It had felt so easy.

She slides down into a sitting position, squeezing her legs together to try and quiet the urges burning within her core. It doesn’t help. Her hands go to her hair, tangling in blonde. She swallows spit, and it tastes like Max.

She closes her eyes tight. Tries to count until her heart can calm down. Asks herself questions, and can’t find a way through them.

_Why did I kiss her?_

_Why did I run?_

It felt like the only thing to do.

It’s not like her father, and Max’s parents, haven’t been dancing around the idea for years. They’d make plausibly-deniable comments, Max and Kate would nervously brush them off with pink cheeks and stammered excuses. Kate always pretended she didn’t know what they were talking about. It felt like it couldn’t be real. Kate isn’t the kind of girl who gets to kiss other girls, who gets to love and be loved by her best friend. What they have is supposed to be more special than that. All of this, it feels like it’s bringing it down, somewhere it can be condemned instead of honored. Like if anyone finds out they’re not bound by goodwill, but because they _want_ each other, it means they can be ripped apart.

She’s shocked out of her thoughts by a timid knock at the door. “Kate?” Max calls softly from the hall.

Waves of _something_ crash through Kate, a mixture of feelings and wants and fears she can’t all name, at the sound of her voice. She bites down on her lip to keep from crying out. This is too much. It’s too hard. Why can’t things be the way they were? Why isn’t this just another dream, something she can escape?

“I’m sorry,” Max says, so low it’s barely audible, but Kate can still hear the tears in her voice. “...can we talk?”

There’s nothing else they can do. Kate can’t stay in here forever. But she thinks if she sees Max she might just fall to pieces right there.

“Not through the door,” she whispers. “I—I don’t want everyone to hear us.”

“You won’t come out?”

“I can’t see you right now.” The words sting as they leave Kate, and she can just imagine Max’s cringe, like Kate’s slapping her. She doesn’t want to hurt Max. She doesn’t know how not to.

“I have an idea.” Of course she does. Max is like that. Before Kate can ask what idea, she hears Max’s bare feet running back down the hall, and sighs. She has a moment, at least.

But she can’t manage to get her head straight. She keeps thinking of how it felt, to touch her, to taste her mouth, to press their bodies together and follow their desires without thought. She pushes her hem down her legs, smoothing it, as though to erase the evidence that Max’s leg had been beneath, digging into her.

Something pokes against Kate’s backside, and she rises and turns to see her phone being pushed under the door. As she picks it up, a new text appears on screen.

**Max:**

_Will this work?_

Kate smiles, despite herself. She curls her knees up to her chest, breathing in and out, trying to focus on that warmth that Max’s consideration made her feel, instead of everything else.

 **Kate:** **  
**

_It will._

_I’m sorry._

**Max:**

_Are you okay?_ _  
_

**Kate:**

_I don’t know._

_Are you?_

**Max:**

_I don’t know either. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable._

_If I pushed you too much, I’m sorry._

Kate takes a deep breath. It’s not her fault. Not at all. But it’s out now, the connection between them, and she wants to get a better handle on it, to be able to hold it in her hands and control it instead of it just feeling like this great overwhelming force.

**Kate:**

_How long have you felt like that about me?_

She can hear Max gulp on the other side of the door.

**Max:**

_Years._

Kate feels a chill run through her. She’s not sure how to reply, how to feel. The next message surprises her even more.

**Max:**

_What about you? How long have you felt it?_

So direct. Not questioning whether Kate wants it too. Kate supposes that makes sense; what they just did betrays any doubt, in both their minds. It’s here, and it’s staying, but as for when it arrived…

**Kate:**

_I don’t know._

_It feels like it was always there._

**Max:**

_I’m sorry I never told you._

_I’ve known I’m gay or bi or something since Blackwell._

_I feel like I’ve been lying to you this whole time._

**Kate:**

_I feel like I’ve been lying to myself, ever since your birthday._

_Friendly kisses on the lips aren’t a real thing, are they?_

**Max:**

_In some places they might be?_

**Kate:**

_Max, I’m admitting it._

**Max:**

_I know, sorry._

**Kate:**

_What do we do?_

**Max:**

_It’s up to you._

_My parents know already. I think. I never told them directly but I think they know._

_But I know the real problem is your family. I don’t want to tear you away from them. I don’t know if you even really want to be with me._

**Kate:**

_What do you mean by that?_

**Max:**

_I’m not worth messing up your life for._

Kate hears a sniffle from beyond the door, and her heart hurts.

**Max:**

_I’m just some psycho with delusions who forced you to be her caretaker._

_Even if you’re attracted to me I’m not a good choice. I know that._

_We can get separate rooms next year. Or ask the RA to split us. If it’s too much to be around me._

Kate feels tears stinging at her eyes. She can’t stand it when Max talks like this, and the ideas she’s talking about are insane. Never. She’d never break away from Max like that. They’ve been together through everything, been each other’s support, even in the mundane things that Max probably thinks don’t count. Like staying up to help her study, keeping Kate’s spirits up when she remembers that Vortex club party, talking with her when she questions the faith her parents taught her, just the endless undying uplifting things Max does for Kate, is nothing just because Max’s problems are so unusual.

She could try and break it off. Try and be normal and find a husband and do what her family’s wanted her to do since she was young.There’s a pull to that idea, but it’s weaker than it would’ve been years ago. Max made her strong.

**Kate:**

_I do want to be with you._

_Remember when equal marriage passed, and we stayed up all night talking about it?_

Kate remembers the random thought that had crossed her mind the second she heard the news, _I can marry Max,_ and how she violently expelled it as soon as she registered it. How it kept coming back over the course of that long Skype call. How she doesn’t have to hide from it anymore.

**Max:**

_I thought it was a really big moment for you._

**Kate:**

_It was._

_The arguments that year were crazy._

_I’m used to standing up for myself now._

_I might just freak out a little at first. Is that okay?_

**Max:**

_Yeah, of course. Not like I don’t freak out on you all the time._

_We can take it slow. I think that was too fast._

_Not that making out with you wasn’t great._

_Or that I won’t do it again if you ask._

_Like anytime._

Kate giggles, hugging the phone to her chest. Tears fall down her cheeks, but she still feels like laughing, like she’s floating. She told Max she wanted to be with her. She gets to be one of those women she sees around campus that she used to feel so jealous of, holding hands with another without shame or worry. She can let go of the excuses and the lies to herself and she can kiss Max whenever she wants.

 _It’s okay,_ she repeats to herself. _It’s okay._

**Max:**

_Kate?_

Kate wipes her face. Her nightgown doesn’t have any pockets to put her phone in. Fine. She’ll leave it on the floor. She wants both her hands.

She rises up and unlocks the door. Max jumps to her feet, turning around to face her. Her eyes are red and watery as Kate’s, but when Kate reaches for her hand, she smiles so wide Kate feels like her chest might burst open.

Kate hugs Max so hard she nearly falls over. Max laughs, sniffing, and her tears mark Kate’s gown, but it feels like it’s been a good cry, for both of them. Kate can barely keep from choking.

Kate feels it then. This isn’t something low and dirty, like she’s been taught. It feels bigger and grander than anything else in the world, even though they’re barefoot in a public bathroom at one in the morning on a school night.

When she says, “I love you” this time, she doesn't excuse it.

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  [ _It's all the same to share the pain with me_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI95HD_6PIo)   
>  [ _It's all the same, save the shame for me_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mI95HD_6PIo)   
> 


End file.
